


i'm drowning in the waters of my soul

by Roodles



Series: Not a Cellist [5]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Angst, Battle of New York (Marvel), Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Tony, M/M, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, The Author Regrets Everything, Via Interdimensional Portal, feels ahoy, ironagent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-18
Updated: 2013-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-05 02:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1088335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roodles/pseuds/Roodles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the void opened up before him, it was a welcome sight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm drowning in the waters of my soul

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the Imagine Dragons song "Nothing Left to Say". I feel like this song really applies to Tony Stark on a good day, even more so after writing this. 
> 
>  
> 
> _There is mention of suicidal thoughts/what was meant to be a one way trip, so if that's a trigger for anyone, please skip this installment._
> 
>  
> 
> This is a continuation of the Not a Cellist Verse, though it's not in any way chronological. Someday I'll post links to read it in order. For now, enjoy the snapshots of Phil and Tony's life! (Or not, in this case. This is sad.)
> 
> As always, I don't have a beta, so all errors are mine.

His husband was _dead._

Nothing more than a stain on the wall and the blood soaked Captain America cards Tony had given to him for his birthday. Those fucking cards.

Rogers asked if Phil had left anyone behind. He nearly choked on the words that there was a cellist or something.

_Not a cellist._

Had Tony ever lost a soldier? Yinsen and Phil weren't soldiers, none of them were soldiers. He told Rogers that much as he felt himself pulling apart at the seams.

When Loki launched him out the window, Tony had considered not deploying the suit. A life without Phil seemed, for a moment, to dwarf all of his responsibilities as Iron Man, as an Avenger. Without Phil, those things would mean nothing.

Without Phil, they meant _everything_. Knowing that his husband believed in the Avengers, believed in _him_ , Tony deployed the suit and allowed his grief to carry him through the battle. He could feel JARVIS' sorrow, the AI threading through the suit and microprocessors to exact vicious retribution upon the Chitauri when Tony couldn't lift his arms any longer. Tony fought while he screamed himself hoarse off-comms, JARVIS a silent companion as his heart shattered into pieces, no longer held in place by ineffable calm and a cheap suit.

The Avengers came together as a team, and Phil's dream had become a reality, and it hurt so fucking much that Tony couldn't stand it.

Then there was a nuke.

Tony didn't have anything left, really. Sure, there was Pepper, Rhodey, JARVIS, Happy. But there was no Phil, and what better way to go out than by saving all the people that Phil loved too? It made a twisted kind of sense, though he did try to make contact with Pepper as the vast expanse of the void opened up to him.

 _You know that's a one-way trip?_ Cap had asked.

Oh yeah. That's what Tony was counting on.

 

* * *

 

 

His bruises had bruises. His faceplate was gone, there was no JARVIS in his ear, and the sun was dimmed by the clouds of dust in the air. The Hulk's roar had scared the ever loving consciousness right back into him, leaving Cap and Thor smiling down, their expressions somewhere between 'Oh hey, the jackass is alive' to 'There is some serious shit rubbing wrong in my spandex.'

It was gratifying to know that no one had kissed him. Even better knowing that his little jaunt into space caused the hive minded aliens to drop like flies.

They had saved New York, come together as a team, and possibly saved the world. He had never felt more empty in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments/Kudos are welcome!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [His Cellist](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1133112) by [Era_Penn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Era_Penn/pseuds/Era_Penn)




End file.
